Today at work we had a fancy dress day for charity(British Heart Foundation
http://www.bhf.org.uk/).I work in a DIY/home improvement store. Our biggest rival, who wipe the floor with us might I add, is the DIY giants B+Q.
B+Q is generally regarded as 'The Enemy' in the eyes of our bosses/directors/etc's. I don't really buy into all that.
So, Tuesday morning of this week, after taking the kids to school, I made my happy way to my local branch of B+Q. Making my journey towards what I hoped was the most gormless member of staff on their shop-floor, I tried to manufacture an infiltration.
It turned out that, 'Skeeter'(not real name) wasn't gormless at all and was, however amused at my request, ultimately unwilling to help in my plight, I was directed towards the customer services desk... Game over, thought I...
I waited patiently in line at the C'S'-desk until, finally, it was my turn.
'Shakira'(not real name) greeted me kindly and asked how she 'could help today, Sir?', I explained my strange request to 'Shakira' who, however jovially, stated that she 'would have to call the store manager, sir'.
Game over, I thought for the second time in as many minutes...
I was ready to run. I steeled myself, until, 'Pembroke'(not real name) greeted me with a smile and introduced himself as store manager. I explained my illicit request for the third time that day.
'Pembroke' instantly broke into a very wide grin, winked at me and called upon another assistant 'Madonna'(not real name) to fetch my blagged merchandise, no further questions asked!
Upon thanking him kindly and humoring his hints that I 'should come over to the light-side' and 'Just ask for 'Pembroke', come and work for us' etc. I made my way home. With a Great Sense Of Achievement like no other.
Hallow'een came, and with it, time for my final shift before I go on holiday for 9 days.
OK. In I walk, jacket zipped up high, concealing my costume until precisely the right moment for ultimate shock value... The first step onto the sales-floor after clocking in.
I made my way to where the staff were congregating/changing shifts/serving customers! All eyes on me, faces dropped, raised, cries of glee and hilarity pealed throughout the store as I got on with getting on with my work.
A Godsend follows! ...
For a wonder, 'King Arthur'(not real name) my manager was still there. Unusual for this time of night but, perfect...
'Go and see 'The King' in his office!' jeered my colleagues, 'He'll LOVE this!'
Into the organ grinder's office I go, with a trail of almost hypnotized staff behind me following to see 'The Moment - LIVE!'
'Hiya, King Arthur.' Says I. 'What' you got for me tonight, boss?'
'Hi dandelO(not real name), how's you this evening?' Replies 'King Arthur', still staring at his computer screen although talking to me.
'Just head into the warehouse, dandelO, and grab a pallet of st... WHAT THE FUUUUUCK ARE YOU WEARING?!' His eyes almost popped out when he turned and saw my Lovely B+Q uniform!
I explained that I'd already paid my charity donation to come to work in 'fancy dress', can I go and get on with it? Ha!
Really, 'King Arthur' was fine after he had some Valium and a whisky. He's a good guy but this was a priceless moment! Thankfully I didn't collect my P.45 and I don't have to sign-on to the dole tomorrow.
Job's a goodun!
I did get some funny looks from customers who couldn't decide where they were on seeing me... '
Huh? We didn't go to B+Q, did we honey? Certainly not, woman! You know they're an evil monopoly and their prices for panel-pins, roofing-felt and other such hardware goods are atrocious!' but no one asked, even when the chanced upon my new name badge - ' Pomphrey'(not real name!)
The joys of the daily grind in a piss-poorly paid job.
I'm on holiday now, I'm going to go and hang about, in costume, at B+Q for 9 days. See how much swanning about the store and coffee I can get away with drinking in their staff-room and such likes, before someone notices I'm an imposter.
Jeezus! It was really THAT easy to get a company uniform, from a store manager no less. Simply smile, tell them 'you work for The Enemy and you want to wear their uniform to an in-store fancy-dress day at your own Base-HQ'! Imagine I was a terrorist planning to blow up the hardware store! Numpties!
Acht well, you'd have to have been there, sorry for this schpiel, folks.
Pomphrey.
